When your roommate is pregnant

So my roommate is due April 15th and boy oh boy is it getting interesting around here. There is of course first time mom jitters but I also happen to think it's quite funny that she doesn't listen to anything I say. She is stubborn. It's an interesting perspective, that although I work in the postpartum area, and I do prenatal visits I forgot what the first time mom mindset is like. She has no idea she is days away from life changing forever, I mean shattering forever the life she had before. It's a very hard concept to wrap your mind around at any age. My mom always drilled into me, "You are NO LONGER number 1, you will forever be Number 2 or 3 for how many kids you have" or the "You are no longer the picture you are the frame"  I am also happy for her to experience the first true love she will ever feel, the first true love any woman or man feels. That unmistakable feeling of seeing your child and not knowing how you could ever love something so much you have known so little. Knowing that you will hop on a grenade for this tiny, screaming, pooping, sleeping infant without even thinking about it. That realization is about as powerful as they come. Until you know that love, it's hard to understand what real love is, and who is deserving of your love.

I am glad I moved to Oakland but getting established here is getting a bit tricky, but I am hoping to book clients through the summer soon. I did through last year and I am just going to have to try to wait it out.

Will keep everybody updated about my pregnant roommate.

All About Me Erin Oliver Postpartum Doula in the East, North and South Bay

My Name Is Erin Oliver

I have been a Doula since 2003, I live in Oakland now, since March 2013,  I originally moved to San

Jose in 2011 from Albuquerque, New Mexico where I got my Birthing From Within training from Pam England herself when she lived there as the organization was in its infancy. 

I am also a lactation consultant and childbirth educator as I was hired by the Doula program

in the largest hospital and MCO in New Mexico and given my lactation and

differing teaching trainings. 

The fact that midwives and doulas ran L&D floors of

almost all New Mexico hospitals make it one of the safest places to give birth

and because I worked 16 hour shifts doing postpartum counseling, lactation and

birth doula'ing I have been in over 100 births. I have taught prep classes for

teenagers, infant massage, I have run postpartum group for couples. 

I have also attended many many home births and even worked as a assistant midwife in a few

deliveries. I am also a Red Cross Certified First Responder. 

I have spent a lot of time in the time in the bay working in the postpartum and I plan on continuing postpartum doula work as my base work.  I have had about 40 Postpartum Doula Clients  I love multiples and have even worked with multiples with special needs. 

I am close to a bachelors degree in healthcare administration then direct entry RN to CNM as I have been offered the financial backing for a birthing center much like the birth sanctuary in Los Angeles but I worked out a deal to let me get the education I need to run something like that as the totality of the ACA unfolds.

I will do birthing doula work, but usually on a case by case basis I am pretty solely dedicated to postpartum doula practice. I will be getting my actual DONA certification as a postpartum doula to network with more postpartum doulas because there are not a lot out there. 

I am always happy to meet up for tea or anything else, right now my calendar for the summer is completely open and I am happy to take referrals. 

I do charge between 25-35 an hour based upon location and I do work in the South, East and North Bay and I ask for a week of the anticipated hours as a deposit. you can check my out Doula Match References which has my updated availability calendar. 

I am available by email at Douladirect@gmail.com or by phone at 505-720-0347 or 510-214-6842 or  

What a summer?

>

Hard to believe that it's fall! Here in northern California believe it or not it was in the lower 90 degree's earlier this week.

I have, for the most part been enjoying a summer of being a postpartum doula for twins that I just fell in love with! Twins are not easy, but once you get the ebb and flow of it all it's quite blissful. Some of the job was difficult in that one of the babies was born with a genetical disorder that is terminal. That part of the postpartum doula area was very difficult, and working with medically fragile children can be tough but I had such a wonderful experience I was kind of sad that my engagement just ended after about four months with them when they had moved into looking for a full time nanny.  It makes me sad a little bit to have to leave a families lives sometimes. I'm always curious about some of the kids that  I am with for extended times. Part of what makes being a doula so AMAZING is that no matter what is going on in my life when I get to the door, it goes away. It's being so fond of my job that it does make me happy. You know doing what you love for a living? How often does that happen.

So I am again looking for work. I think that I may be looking for a full time baby nurse job to sustain me through the holiday period. With some part time work here and there if I can fit it in. I am not sure.
I don't keep up with my blog here as much as I should. I am going to try to change that.

If anybody has any questions, please let me know and I will try to answer them. The new years babies are coming now! How exciting!


xoxo Erin Oliver xoxo
Bay Area Doula
505-720-0347

2012 Doula Doula Doula

Hi guys!

I know that it's been a while since I have posted here. I need to get this set up with my open graph so I can post straight from my facebook site all the wonderful articles that I post there. you can find that at California Bay Doula on Facebook I have been working with different organizations including the Decolonize labor and birth cacus in Oakland and just finished our first Bay Area Birth Justice Fair! We had a beautiful pannel with nurse mary from Sierra Leonne and talked about the real issue of maternal and fetal death, which is so high here in the us, that is has become a human rights issue amongst some of the largest non profits. The time is now to start pushing for change, ESPECIALLY here in California and I am going to be going to the matt to get some things legislatively done because I have seen what happens when that is done. New Mexico is what happens, one of the safest places to give birth, almost every hospital is a birth center, one of the lowest c-section rates in the country.  Millions saved because of low intervention rates, and because of those savings, they are able to put that money into top of the line prenatal care for all, and let doula's and midwives staff hospitals. Yes DOULAS are hired professionals that work on floors of hospitals and are there as support for those who cannot afford it.

Doula's do have lots of roles, and unfortunately because of the lack of understanding them, or knowledge of them, they tend to be a luxury of someone who might have more privilege and more support in regard to a partner and family. These are blessed events but when I did work as a staffed doula in a hospital it was very rewarding as well to be able to be the main support for someone who was 15 years old and did not have anyone in the room with her. Women, and child birth, and raising children need help in every ways sometimes and it is very hard to ask for it. I love being a doula because I want to help in any way possible.

During this time I also got my American Red Cross Wilderness and Street Medic First Responder Certification.  WOW this is a class. Basically it is a class for when EMS may take longer than you expect to arrive, so it did open my scope of practice a bit under the good samaritan law and it's great feeling to know that if i do see a car accident on the street, I can help stabilize someone and do trauma assessments cool! Plus, I hope it will help any parent who is thinking of hiring me to know that I always seek higher learning and training to be a better Doula. I never want to be in a position where I don't know what I am doing and someone gets hurt. I feel very confident about this, and I am very grateful that a 900.00 class normally was given as scholarship to the people who want to be street medics at 20.00 a piece at Oakland's "The Holdout" which if you haven't been, is a non profit book store, wifi place, there are free martial arts classes there, a bike shop there. It's all pretty much ran by people from Occupy Oakland but not by Occupy Oakland but it's a great additon to the community. If anyone is interested in learning more check out Oakland's "The Holdout" Non Profit Hangout

SO PLEASE CHECK OUT THAT I AM ONLY BOOKING FOR APRIL-MAY
FIRST COME FIRST SERVE BIRTH OR POSTPARTUM CLIENTS 
I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO FIND A POSTPARTUM JOB THAT OFFERED
LOTS OF CRAZY HOURS INCLUDING OVERNIGHT HOURS AND I AM HAPPY
TO WORK ON A SLIDING SCALE. IF YOU THINK THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO 
HIRE ME IMMEDIATELY. PLEASE CALL ME

(408) 406-7221

OR EMAIL ME (Douladirect@gmail.com) 

I am going to be making this website an app for android too so you can see when I update. I also will be starting to set up a ustream.tv account where I talk about all the new things I have learned as a doula and new news out there, where people can come and check in an chat. Even from their phones and you can down load this website from their android phones and whenever that happens you can watch it from there.

Long Update! 

DOULADIRECT@GMAIL.COM

Shuttdown Syndrome ask Dr. Sears

Shutdown Syndrome From AskDrSears.com

Throughout our 30 years of working with parents and babies, we have grown to appreciate the correlation between how well children thrive (emotionally and physically) and the style of parenting they receive.

 

"You're spoiling that baby!"

First-time parents Linda and Norm brought their four-month-old high-need baby, Heather, into my office for consultation because Heather had stopped growing. Heather had previously been a happy baby, thriving on a full dose of attachment parenting. She was carried many hours a day in a baby sling, her cries were given a prompt and nurturant response, she was breastfed on cue, and she was literally in physical touch with one of her parents most of the day. The whole family was thriving and this style of parenting was working for them. Well-meaning friends convinced these parents that they were spoiling their baby, that she was manipulating them, and that Heather would grow up to be a clingy, dependent child.

Parents lost trust

 

Like many first-time parents, Norm and Linda lost confidence in what they were doing and yielded to the peer pressure of adopting a more restrained and distant style of parenting. They let Heather cry herself to sleep, scheduled her feedings, and for fear of spoiling, they didn't carry her as much. Over the next two months Heather went from being happy and interactive to sad and withdrawn. Her weight leveled off, and she went from the top of the growth chart to the bottom. Heather was no longer thriving, and neither were her parents.

Baby lost trust

After two months of no growth, Heather was labeled by her doctor "failure to thrive" failure to thrive and was about to undergo an extensive medical workshop. When the parents consulted me, I diagnosed the shutdown syndrome. I explained that Heather had been thriving because of their responsive style of parenting. Because of their parenting, Heather had trusted that her needs would be met and her overall physiology had been organized. In thinking they were doing the best for their infant, these parents let themselves be persuaded into another style of parenting. They unknowingly pulled the attachment plug on Heather, and the connection that had caused her to thrive was gone. A sort of baby depression resulted, and her physiologic systems slowed down. I advised the parents to return to their previous high-touch, attachment style of parenting to carry her a lot, breastfeed her on cue, and respond sensitively to her cries by day and night. Within a month Heather was again thriving.

Babies thrive when nurtured

We believe every baby has a critical level of need for touch and nurturing in order to thrive. (Thriving means not just getting bigger, but growing to one's potential, physically and emotionally.) We believe that babies have the ability to teach their parents what level of parenting they need. It's up to the parents to listen, and it's up to professionals to support the parents' confidence and not undermine it by advising a more distant style of parenting, such as "let your baby cry it out" or "you've got to put him down more." Only the baby knows his or her level of need; and the parents are the ones that are best able to read their baby's language. Babies who are "trained" not to express their needs may appear to be docile, compliant, or "good" babies. Yet these babies could be depressed babies who are shutting down the expression of their needs, and they may become children who don't ever speak up to get their needs met and eventually become the highest-need adults.

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/child-rearing-and-development/shutdown-syndrome

The Business of Being Born

Down on The Farm: Conversations with Legendary Midwife Ina May Gaskin

Follow Executive Producer Ricki Lake and Director Abby Epstein to The Farm Community in Summertown, Tennessee, where pioneer midwife Ina May Gaskin talks candidly about the latest birth trends. Gaskin, who was featured in the original The Business of Being Born, sparked Lake’s initial interest in home birth and has continued to inspire the filmmaking duo’s advocacy efforts. Also on the journey is pregnant actress Kimberly Williams-Paisley, who joins them in getting to know The Farm’s famous midwives and touring the picturesque birth cabins situated in the woods. Bonus features on the DVD include additional interviews with Gaskin, Williams-Paisley’s emotional birth stories and a conversation with Christy Turlington-Burns about her shared passion for improving maternal mortality.

*Available to rent exclusively on thebusinessofbeingborn.com Aug 30 – Sep 12, 2011

Special Deliveries: Celebrity Mothers Talk Straight on Birth

Featuring celebrity moms Laila Ali, Gisele Bundchen, Cindy Crawford, Alyson Hannigan, Melissa Joan Hart, Kellie Martin, Alanis Morissette, Christy Turlington-Burns and Kimberly Williams-Paisley. Special Deliveries provides collected stories from a group fearless mothers. Their riveting testimonies speak to the power of the birth experience, whether they worked with midwives and/or obstetricians. They trusted their bodies and intuitions, taking control and trusting themselves instead of following “the experts” blindly. None of these courageous women has ever spoken on the record in such compelling detail, and, on this DVD, the filmmakers weave together these passionate narratives as a celebration of the journey to motherhood that will leave viewers with a renewed sense of amazement about the power of women.

*Available to rent exclusively on thebusinessofbeingborn.com Sep 13 – 26, 2011

Explore Your Options: Doulas, Birth Centers and C-Sections

This essential DVD offers birth-planning guidance around key topics such as the role of doulas (labor support specialists,) the advantages of birth centers and the alarming escalation of cesarean sections in the United States and Brazil. Epstein and Lake talk to doulas about why their profession is currently booming and uncover why having a good doula can make-or-break the entire birth experience. They look at the ever-growing rates of c-sections, which have reached 50% in many US hospitals and more than 99% in some private hospitals in Brazil. How “safe” are these cesarean surgeries, and what are the health implications for the mothers and babies? Explore Your Choices also looks at the option to deliver in a birth center as a middle ground between the home and the hospital. Special features on this informative DVD include stars Alanis Morissette and Alyson Hannigan on the advantages of doulas, Christy Turlington Burns on her unexpected complications at a birth center, Molly Ringwald on how she avoided a cesarean birth with her twins and Gisele Bundchen and Michelle Alves on the cesarean epidemic in their native Brazil.

*Available to rent exclusively on thebusinessofbeingborn.com Sep 27 – Oct 10, 2011

The VBAC Dilemma: What Your Options Really Are

The VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) has become a hot-button issue in the modern maternity care system, as one in three new mothers will give birth via cesarean section. Are all of these mothers then forced to undergo a repeat cesarean the next time around? Epstein and Lake posed that question to dozens of experts, determining the surprising truth about VBACs. They also follow several women’s stories – both those who succeed and fail at attempting a VBAC – including that of filmmaker Abby Epstein, whose first c-section delivery was depicted in the dramatic, final moments of The Business of Being Born.

*Available to rent exclusively on thebusinessofbeingborn.com Oct 11 – 25, 2011

Trauma? Healing? Possibilities?

I came across this story that well speaks for itself. This is the link to the author and I hope you will send her love http://irenebrown.blogspot.com/2010/08/trauma-healing-possibilities.html

 

Trauma? Healing? Possibilities?

A couple months ago I heard a term that I didn't quite understand, nor know how to process. The term was "birth trauma".

I always knew some births were hard, some births were traumatic, and that some births went in a direction that the moms didn't want them to go. I knew that births where there were stillbirths, or a mentally handicapped child, or a preemie, or a special needs child comes, and of course I can see where there is a lot of medical intervention (whether for good or bad) that can become a "birth trauma".

What I didn't know, was that a birth trauma can come from what today's society claims to be a natural, normal birth. What I didn't know was that a mama who had a vaginal birth, could easily be someone who has birth trauma. I didn't realize that birth trauma could actually, happen to me.

When I first heard this I decided I needed to delve further into what "birth trauma" was, and who exactly suffered from it. Was it something that was thought up, or was it something that many women faced? Was birth trauma a general term? And what encompassed having a "traumatic" birth?

The questions swarmed me. So I started my research. Come to find out there are TONS and I literally mean TONS of birth trauma support groups. There are things IRL there are things on line, there is a whole entire plethera of women out there that feel they have had some sort of birth trauma. By all sorts of means. Women who feel they were "birth raped". Women who had trauma because the baby was in distress, or they were. Women who feel they were violated with medical intervention where it wasn't necessary. Women who felt comefortable delivering at a hospital, only to be turned off by the whole situation.

Now that I did all this research, and all this speaking to other women...it was time to disect my own heart, mind and soul. It was time to face what was potentially MY birth trauma....and I didn't even know it.

When I had my daughter I knew a lot....well, alot in terms of what the books, the doctors, the nurses, told me. I knew what was textbook, what was average, and what was medical. Turns out I had a very textbook pregnancy, no complications...and even though a long labor, it was a good one.

I went into labor on Tuesday morning after having my membranes stripped. 20 minutes later I had my first real good contraction. Not a practice one that was for sure. That afternoon I went to court, as I was suing an old landlord. The contractions continued, regularly, but spaced far apart. I didn't realize I was in early labor. To be honest I didn't really hear a lot about early labor, or that it could take days while preparing my body for the birth. I didn't know that I should go about my life and continue on doing what I normally did. While I did get out and about walking around, going to the store (even with my mom to get her nails done), I didn't think about anything except when was this baby coming, and why weren't these contractions more painful?

I kept wanting the pain...wanting everything to happen. I didn't understand why I was sent home from the hospital. They gave EVERYONE I knew pitocin...why didn't they give it to me?? (Little did I know then, it was a HUGE blessing in disguise.) So I went home and labored some more. And more...and then some more. Finally the contractions were intense. I knew..just KNEW this time they wouldn't send me home, that I was for sure going to have this baby.

I was in labor for a total of 3 days. 36 hours of that hard labor. I had an epidural that worked far too well, 5 hours before I delivered. It took me 40 minutes to push her out, because I couldn't feel a thing. I couldn't even lift my own right leg. It was totally numb and limp. While I thought at the time the epidural was the best thing, I now look back on it thinking..it was only 5 more hours...and I would have done it without the epidural.

The doctor gave me a full out episiotomy. It was horrible to recover from. Hurt so bad. But I managed.

My daughter was placed on my chest and given oxygen, she was left there long enough for a few photos to be taken, and for me to think her eyes were brown..when in fact they were blue. I made a statement, "Your eyes are brown!?" and they whisked her to the warmer. For toxic injections, and to be handled by half a dozen hands that weren't her mothers, hands that were strange. Hands that belonged to voices she had never heard. When they felt she was healthy enough, and was injected (which I don't even remember seeing it happened so quickly and so discretely) she was given back to me. After I had been stitched up from a most-likely unnecessary episitomy.

It was a 'normal' hospital delivery. I stayed for 48 hours so they could continue to test her for jaundice several times, and to make sure her blood was OK..for who knows what reasons.

I went home and we started our amazing life together. Breastfeeding came quickly to her and I. She latched on and just fed. After 8 weeks I decided to wean her. She wasn't ready, but weaned to a bottle and formula fairly easily. She was just an easy transitioning baby, so I suppose I was "lucky". I weaned WAY too early...and in a misinformed manner. I didn't know I could keep breastfeeding. I didn't know it was OK. I didn't know I could work around any schedules I had in order to breast feed. I didn't know I could do it discretely enough. I just plain didn't know. I didn't even know to ask, because by the books, I was doing what was right.


Fast forward a year and a half, and we are trying to get pregnant with baby #2. This is where I believe part of the "trauma" comes in. Even though I feel that even with my daughter's birth, there could have been things handled much differently.

I didn't even KNOW about homebirths. I didn't know it was an option, a choice, or anything anyone would chose to do unless their labor happened so quickly they had no choice. I wasn't raised in a real birthy environment. And it wasn't a regular thing for me to see a baby nursing. Even though my mother nursed her infants, it was only for a few months. And then it was time to wean. So I didn't have the examples of free birthing, of open birthing, of the natural, sensual, sexual aspect of birthing has.

It took us almost 2 years to conceive baby #2. After a year of trying with no success, we talked about getting tested by fertility doctors to see if there was a problem. We both agreed we could get tested but then what?? Would we pursue fertility treatments? Would we go into debt? Were we willing? The answer was a clear and resounding no. If the Lord didn't want us to have more children, then we weren't going to have more children. That was literally our thinking. We felt that we didn't need medical intervention in order to conceive, we either could...or...coudln't. (It is so odd to me here, the hindsight. We believed God would know if we didn't need anymore children. That His Will was what was best for us, if that meant no more children. We were willing to accept a barren womb, and one blessed child. We were against the medical interventions....yet, our choices later did not reflect this thinking at all. Which is why I believe there was what I now can label, "birth trauma".)

Eventually I became pregnant. Because we were "trying", I tested often. I felt odd, and decided to go to WalMart and buy a test. I had to use the restroom so I took it right there in the store. There stood a faint line. I asked my sister if she saw it, and surely she did. Oh my goodness I was pregnant. I called my husband, who in turn called everyone before I got home!

When I got home I busted out my calendar and determined (which was determined to be accurate later) that I was 3 weeks and 3 days pregnant. It was a miracle the test even showed positive!! I was SO early in a pregnancy. I went to bed, happier than I had been in a LONG time.

The next day I woke up sick as a dog, throwing up, throwing down..literally coming out of every part of me. I thought it was morning sickness. I called the doctor and said, NURSE! I have been vomitting for 10 hours, what is wrong!? Turns out, I had the flu! ahaha...the day after the 24 hour flu, I started spotting..then I started to bleed..it was bright red.

I took another pregnancy test...it said positive. Of course..even if I were miscarrying, my HCG levels would still be high enough to present a positive on a test.

I decided to call the doctor, who of course told me to go to the ER. Why bother him right?

The ER does an external U/S but I was too early on and you couldn't see the baby! So internal U/S here I come. It was uncomfortable and quite unpleasant. I don't feel I enjoyed any part of it. But we found the baby (which they thought could be a tubal, and that was causing the bleeding) who was right where he should be. Safely tucked into the thickly lined uterus..in his womb.

The entire time the ER staff was talking to me about this U/S..they kept saying, prepare yourself if it is tubal to abort this pregnancy. Get rid of what is causing the problem, they said. Are you kidding me!? I spent 2 years trying to GET THIS BABY IN THERE! And you want me to prepare to "abort this thing"!? I was appalled. I was mortified...I was traumatized....and didn't even know it.

The pregnancy was rough as far as I was very tired and threw up all the time. I was so upset in the beginning, depression started settling in. By the time I was 5 months pregnant it was very clear I was suffering from prenatal depression. I knew of post partum depression, but prenatal? What kind of freak was depressed while pregnant!? ME that is who!

It spiraled downwards. I was testy and irritable with my daughter. Who endured more than she should have had to...the yelling. Man I was a yeller. I had no patience, I didn't try to gain any. I expected far too much from a 3 year old. I love her to death, and am willingly and eagerly making up for the times she had to listen to me, now.

My marriage became rougher and more rocky. It already was because it was so strenuous and stressful trying to conceieve and believing you had some sort of secondary infertility. We fought all the time. It was so unbearable..I felt like I no longer wanted this baby. Why was I growing a baby to bring him into my miserable life? The depression grew. The trauma grew. And I didn't even know it.

Then I actually go into labor. I labor at home by myself in the night for 8 hours. It started at 1AM. I had been having strong contractions during that evening and during my walk that night. But nothing that I considered anything more than the Braxton Hicks I had already been experiencing. So I went to bed, comfortably, and next to my husband.

I woke at 1AM with a real contraction. It was a nice strong, long one...I woke up having to breathe through it. I got up, and walked around for a little while, and the contractions didn't seem as strong anymore. So I went back to bed. The contractions came again, so I started nipple stimulation during them, to keep them going stronger and longer. (The one thing I did know about midwifery care and tactics then!) This definitely worked.

So I started a slow and calm nightime laboring. It was just me. I was in a T-Shirt and bare bottomed. My husband was asleep, and I wanted him to stay that way, I wanted him rested for the delivery. Our daughter was asleep in her room, and being the great sleeper she is, I knew she wouldn't wake up.

Walking up and down our stairs worked so well. It helped the contractions stay really regular. Then they started to hurt more, so I went to the tub. The shower helped so much...the hot water beating down on the contractions, helping dull and soothe the pain. (I bet had I kept this up, I could have delivered right in the tub, but didn't know about that then). I switched from walking, leaning over the bed and rocking my hips, being in the shower, walking the stairs, and laying in bed to get through the next 8 hours.

At 9AM I woke up my husband and said that we needed to go. We called the sitter who was supposed to take our daughter, and that sitter decided to bail on us for a ridiculously WHACK reason. So Todd had to stay home with Hailee, and I rode to the hospital with my brother and my mom. It was terrible. I was being separated from my daughter and husband. I was crying. I didn't want to leave them. I had my husband's warm, soothing, soft, rhythmic breathing body to lay next to all night, and now he was away from me. And we had NO IDEA what we were going to do with our daughter! What was I going to do? My family! Again, more trauma.

We get to the hospital, check in, and head upstairs. In a wheel chair of course. Pssh..... I get upstairs, and had to be put in a triage room, because the others were all filled, and there was a mom about to start to push, and I could probably have her room soon. I was hooked up to monitors right away, and taken away the priveledge of being able to eat and drink. Which I had been utilizing all night long. More trauma. My mom snuck me soda anyway, because I wanted her too, and believed even then, that eating and drinking during labor was very important. No matter what the hospital said. (Again, in hindsight, if I would have dug deeper into what I barely knew of, and sort of believed in, I would have had so much more control, and it could have been MY birth, not the doctor's).

The doctor comes in. This is the same doctor that delivered my daughter. While he is a good doctor, he is very medical..very, very medical. Believes he knows what is best for the woman, rather than him learning from the woman and her body. Anyway, the doc states that it is time to break my water. He broke it with my previous labor as well. I didn't know I could say no. I didn't know I had the right to say absolutely not! BUT, I did freak out. I kept saying, NOW? Eww..my husband isn't here yet. We can't do it right now! But he insisted, said it would help, and that he was there now, so it needed to be done now. So I let him do it. I should have kicked him. Grrr...

My husband finally got there, and I was moved into an actual birthing room. That move was so uncomfortable, because as soon as my water was broken, my contractions hurt to the point I couldn't control myself and had no one to center me, and pull me back. I sort of let the pain take over my mind, rather than letting my mind take over the pain. I was wheeled to the other room, and because I was on my back, I knew it was time for an epidural. It hurt SO BADLY to be on my back. I didn't know then, that being on your back is literally the WORST position to have your baby in. That it makes your pelvic opening the absolute smallest on back lying position, than any other position your body can be in. Anyway, the other doc comes in, whips out an epidural in no time. Except this time it doesn't work. I have a cathedar in my back, with drugs running into it, and it doesn't work. So where the heck are the drugs going in my back if they aren't going where they need to to make this epi work!?

I had no time to worry or freak out about that, because once again, I was too impatient, and had no centering, and only 30 minutes after my epidural was in, I was pushing out my child. They told me his oxygen was low, that he had meconium, that I couldn't have him on my chest. It took me 20 minutes to push him out, because the epidural didn't work He came out blue. Completely blue and purple. I have no idea what happened after that. As I didn't see my child for over a half an hour.

What I DO remember however, was a horrible episiotomy. More trauma. That I told my doc and his entire staff, my entire pregnancy, I didn't want. I was against, to do anything possible to NOT have one. I didn't know it was better to tear and just heal from that. I remember him sticking the needle with the Litacane in my perineum. It hurt. I mean I could feel my son's head coming out, and that needle was all I could focus on, and it hurt. Before I knew it he popped out...he didn't need to, I could have pushed him out on my own.

The epidural cathedar was left in my back for 5 hours. I couldn't even bend forward to change my own son's diaper. It was terrible. And it made me so sad. ( I am in tears writing this.) Trauma....again.

I begged to go home. They refused. I wasn't allowed to go home. I was told no.

Breastfeeding was hard with my son at first. He couldn't get latched on, and when he did, I barely had enough colostrum to make him happy. Eventually we "cup fed" him some formula, and a few days later my milk came in.

He was an amazing breast feeder. He LOVED being on the boob. He was so happy there. He was always calmed by being put at my breast. It was a beautiful thing. The only problem was the post partum depression had sank in so deeply and so severely I was selfish and uncaring. I wanted time for me, not for him. I wanted my body back. And I stopped breast feeding him at 4 months of age. FAR before he was ready. And he made that very clear by his lack of wanting a bottle, his lack of wanting formula. It was a fight, and one that I fought..stupidly, and selfishly.

We decided we didn't need anymore kids. We had two. A boy and a girl. Besides, everyone says that is  the perfect family and we should be grateful for what we have. We didn't have the money. I didn't want to be on birth control anymore. I knew it was partially to blame for the severe PPD. So we had a vasectomy. Even though I truly believe under it all, deep within us, neither of us wanted it done.

So here we are now, in August 2010. And I am realizing that I had trauma from the very beginning of this whole second child ordeal, things I didn't deal with. I didn't go through the emotions, or let my true feelings out. I suppressed so much for the sake of others, the world, society, money...it was horrible.

I have birth trauma. And it is very real.

I feel that I need what I have hear referred to as a "healing birth". I don't know that I will ever be able to feel as if things went the way they were supposed to if I don't get another go at it.

Only problem is that vasectomy. So we are waiting for work to slow down. The reversal doctors office doesn't have any openings in the next month anyway.

It is just so shocking to me the possibility that this is what has happened to me...and the more shocking reality that I really didn't even know it.

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